So… I was sitting on my bed in the middle of the night, writing these strange things in my notebook. I can’t say how weird I am feeling right now. Exactly a year ago, in July, I was just a step away from depression, they had to pull me out of my bed by force (with different outcomes, of course), I was trying to self-harm myself, I had suicidal thoughts and was generally far from being well. I won’t get into the details, because I don’t want to immerse you all in black despair, that’s not the point. Long story short – I came here with a shattered heart, deeply wounded by people who used to be close to me, with a teeny-tiny flame of hope in me: maybe this is the time, maybe this is the place. Well, it was the time and it was the place. Don’t get me wrong – it didn’t happen at the drop of a hat. The whole YEAR was a giant, gradual change, but this Forum was the cherry on top and a closure to a certain stage.
One day, completely accidentally (yeah…) I came across some info about the Forum. I honestly didn’t understand much, I had no-one to go with… so I hopped on a train and came. Częstochowa welcomed me with heavy rain and I couldn’t find my bus. When I found it, I accidentally got off a couple of stops too early. When I came to terms with the fact that – well – I will just go by foot, the departing bus completely soaked me with lovely puddle water. That was a great beginning of my hour-long hike, with everything wet and with moments of despair, when I just wanted to go home or curl in the middle of the sidewalk and cry. Mysteriously I got lost even with a GPS on in my phone, I was walking in circles with a heavy suitcase and I said to myself – well, the more good is going to happen, the more *someone* is going to try to stop me from getting there. Apparently, he forgot what women are made of… I felt like I had just run a marathon through Niagara Falls. I finally got there, and… It wasn’t any better! The weather sucked, the room was terrible, I got nothing from the homily… A bit shook up with a vision of a couple of days of such terrors I was preparing to run back home; I am glad it never happened! Every day was a breakthrough for me. Every evening I went to sleep happy, smiling, with a thought that it is surely impossible to be more blessed. And God showed me every day that He can do 2, 3, 10 times more and is capable of creating situations I would never be able to even imagine. It was on fire! I would write down some sentences from the homilies, whole texts from the praise, nice words from people I didn’t even know, intercessional prayer, adoration, mission, mercy evening on Jasna Góra… it all came together, started to make sense. To a human, who felt very mediocre, came God. With the whole greatness of His love and promises of healing; telling me I am very important and that I am capable of sharing this joy with others. At the beginning I was often alone, sitting on the side, without strength to speak, looking at all these crazy people during praise and morning warmups (that looked more like some ritual dances than something I would do…) Funnily enough, during intercessional prayer I was specifically told to focus on the fragment of the Bible when a man is healed and goes to the temple JUMPING and praising God. The next day I was determined not to take it literally and to further sit and look from the side; I thought it would be crazy to think I was meant to do what the healed man did. Well, a couple of hours later this introvert danced the whole evening through and saw it as a shame, that it didn’t last till the morning. Well, today is the last day of the Forum and I think I should be preparing myself for what can still come... I finish the Forum with great joy and peace in my heart, sure of a new life beginning. I will miss all those wonderful people I’ve been allowed to meet, and who let me not feel alone anymore. I haven’t managed to describe 1/10 of what’s in my head. I am not saying that everyone who will come to the forum will experience a life-changing 180-degree turn in their lives, but they will CERTAINLY experience something important. 100 % sure. But still – my example shows, that a 180-degree change IS possible, and that God has perfect timing and a perfect scenario. My timing was now. How do you know God will not answer your prayers HERE? Sometimes a shy feeling is enough. Thanks for reading; I hope you didn’t fall asleep on the way…! Praise the Lord!